Breaking, Things I Can't Do
by Mini Luv
Summary: Narcissa isn't sure what hurts worse, Lily's slap, or the truth.


A/N: I really, really like this story. It was written as a gift for tragicament in an exchange. I think I did quite well on it, I'm proud! grin It is slightly dark, not in a normalish dark way, in a my-ish dark way. It's humorish too, the only reason I warn is that different people have different versions of a happy ending. I think this is pretty happy, all things considered. So, er, before I scare you off, read! Enjoy! Comment! Or just read!

_One thing she could never kill was a lily, because lilies were special and to be protected and no matter how much she wanted to pick one to have for her own, she knew she couldn't, because that would be the end of it. _

_But she could watch it. _

_For a short while, as she sat beside it, that lily could be hers. _

_And that was good enough for her. _

"What do you think?"

"Mhmm…." Lily nodded absent-mindedly. James poked her.

"Lily, are you listening to me?"

"Mhmm…." God, there was simply something unbelievable about Narcissa. She didn't like the girl, of course not, she was a stuck up bitch, but Lily had to admit, her hair was absolutely gorgeous. As were the rest of her physical features.

"Lily, what's the sum of two plus two?"

"Mhmm…." Lily watched as Narcissa flicked her hair and glared over at Malfoy, who was sitting beside her.

"Lily, will you go all the way with me?"

"Mhmm…." Lily snapped back to attention as all the boys snickered. "What?" She asked. James smacked Sirius in the back of the head.

"Nothing, sweetheart," James said. Lily raised an eyebrow before returning back to staring at Narcissa.

Narcissa glared at Lucius, because otherwise she'd have to look somewhere near that stupid Mudblood. Who was staring at her. The Mudblood was staring at her.

Still.

Still staring at her.

Narcissa groaned, throwing her book on the ground and sending a searing look over at the other girl. Stupid Mudblood. The Mudblood, Evans, sent her a glare right back and Narcissa felt the strangest urge to giggle.

_Lily Evans looked at me, __teehee_

Narcissa let out a disgusted noise and picked her book back up, burying her face in the pages and trying to think about killing kittens. Yes, dead kittens.

_She's still looking at me…_

_Teehe__e_

Narcissa was perched over her parchment, her nose almost grazing the paper, as she was intent on completing before class was over. She felt a tapping on her shoulder and looked up into big, green eyes.

Lily's eyes.

"Hi," Lily said nervously, her face barely an inch away from Narcissa's. "I was wondering if I could borrow your notes. I had an… accident with mine," Lily was leaning closer to Narcissa and Narcissa felt her brain go numb for a moment as Lily smiled tentatively.

Narcissa leaned forward slightly and pressed her lips to Lily's.

Narcissa was quite sure no one saw, the whole thing lasted about five seconds, and Lily pulled away almost immediately, a look of disgust etched on her face. She snatched the parchment out of Narcissa's hands, muttering, "thanks", as she stalked off.

Narcissa stared at the space where Lily had been for a few moments before returning to her work, berating herself over and over and asking herself the question of why the fuck she'd kissed her in the first place.

As far as Narcissa was concerned, it had never happened. And apparently, Lily felt the same way. They didn't talk, and they didn't look at each other. Every once in a while Lily would shoot her a disgusted look, just like before, but it barely ever happened and was easy to ignore. Life just went on, as it was supposed to.

And then Lily sat down next to Narcissa by the lake.

Narcissa did all she could in ignoring the Lily, and Lily ignored Narcissa. In fact, Lily seemed quite at ease.

Narcissa wasn't.

She was tense, as much as she tried to deny the incident it was still in her mind and Lily, Evans, whatever the fuck her name was, was stretching out like a cat on the sand, her shirt riding up over her stomach considerably and her hair spread out underneath her.

But Narcissa wasn't staring.

She let out an aggravated sigh, finally giving up. "What are you doing here, Mudblood?"

"What does it look like?" Lily had her arm lying over her eyes and she didn't seem to react in any way to the name. "I'm sun tanning."

Narcissa squared her jaw. "The sun's setting and you're wearing clothes."

Lily laid there in silence for a moment. She sat up. "You're right," she said, and without any warning, she flung off her top. Suddenly Narcissa was greeted with the image of Lily's almost naked back as the girl relaxed on her stomach.

Closing her mouth, as it had fallen open somehow, Narcissa looked out at the ocean.

"It's nice out here," Lily said.

"Yes, very nice," Narcissa spit out, she was still focusing on not focusing on the picture of Lily's back in her head.

"So, how are you?"

Narcissa sighed. "Go away, Evans."

Lily hummed. "No, I'm quite good here, thanks."

"Fuck off, thanks."

"No, and your welcome."

Narcissa made an irritated noise and turned her back to Lily, seething. A silence fell over them as Lily relaxed into the sand and Narcissa felt like she was going to snap at any moment.

"I'm thinking about having sex with James," Lily said suddenly.

"I don't care who you fuck, Mudblood," Narcissa spat over her shoulder.

Lily acted as if she hadn't heard a thing. "Except, I'm not sure if I should."

"Do whatever you want," Narcissa said indifferently, closing her eyes.

"Yeah, but I'm not sure what I want. I-"

"Shut up!" Narcissa screamed, turning to Lily. Lily stared back coolly, not seeming to notice a difference.

"I'm not sure if I want to fuck him-"

Narcissa got to her feet, kicking sand all over Lily as she walked away.

"Or someone else!" Lily shouted after her. "Fuck, maybe I want two guys at once!"

Narcissa stared at the wall blankly, her stare as blank as the wall as blank as her mind. Sort of.

She was looking at red hair blowing in the wind and she was listening to irritatingly right answers and she was watching Potter flirting and she was seeing two guys fucking a red-head who writhed underneath them.

Narcissa was contemplating blowing her head off with some type of explosion to get rid of the sounds and images.

Damn her.

Damn her to hell.

…

Yes, those were better thoughts.

Stupid Lily, with her stupid red hair and her stupid pretty eyes.

What the fuck kind of a name was Lily anyways?

A stupid one, that's what.

Stupid.

Incredibly stupid.

Except Lily was kind of smart.

No, Lily was stupid.

Right, sorry.

Narcissa frowned.

Narcissa crossed her arms, wiggling slightly at the feeling of Lily so close. Couldn't that girl move away? Why did she have to sit so close…? Why the hell had that teacher made them sit together? Narcissa wiggled again and instantly stopped as she felt something soft and warm on her thigh.

Narcissa swallowed, not saying anything, sure Lily hadn't really meant to put her hand there but not really wanting to tell her so that she'd know. Narcissa tried to stay as still as she could, knowing it was stupid, that there was no reason for her to be obsessed with Lily's hand on her thigh and still doing nothing but sitting as very still as she could.

And then she felt it.

Very, very slowly, Lily's hand began to creep upwards. Narcissa swallowed again, trying to keep her breathing regular and hoping to hell no one would notice as Lily's hand crept upwards, and upwards. And what Narcissa really wanted to do was grab Lily's hand and press it into her crotch as hard as she could, which was ridiculous and stupid.

And Lily's hand was going there anyways. So close, it was almost there-

"CLASS!" There was a smacking noise as the stick hit the desk. Narcissa jumped and Lily's hand dove away. "Pay attention!" The teacher roared. Narcissa bit her lip and tried not to think about Lily's hand and for the rest of the class refused to look at the other girl.

Narcissa was speeding down the halls and if she'd have looked back she knew what she'd see. Lily, standing there, stationary and unmoving as the world sped around. Beautiful. But Narcissa didn't look back, didn't look back because she was scared of what would happen if she did, scared of what would happen inside of her and what she'd do.

"I LOVE YOU!" Lily screamed raggedly, her voice rough.

Narcissa slowly turned, everything was all so very slow. Everyone was staring at Lily and the crowd seemed to part between them. There was Lily and there was Narcissa and Lily was looking right at her, right into her eyes and Narcissa knew it because lily had thoses kind of eyes.

And there were tears running down Lily's face as she stared at Narcissa, as Potter ran through the parting in the crowd, stared at Narcissa as he picked her up and swung her in his arms.

"No you don't," Narcissa whispered.

"Hi," Lily sat down next to Narcissa. Narcissa glanced around worriedly and found the library empty. She looked down at her book and decided to ignore the girl. Mind you, that never seemed to work out with Lily.

"Oops," Lily fell forward slightly and her hand landed on Narcissa's book. Narcissa forgot about ignoring her for a second and looked up so that she could glare at the Mudblood.

Lily smiled and bit her lip. She wiggled slightly in her chair and Narcissa was tempted to groan at the sheer ludicrousness of all of this.

"Watcha' reading?" Lily asked, smiling sweetly and leaning forward. Narcissa's voice was caught in her throat for a moment before she blushed and looked away.

FUCK!

Lily laughed and scooted her chair forward. Narcissa guiltily snuck glances at her from the side of her eye and watched as Lily twirled her hair and stared at her benignly.

It was like there was some type of aura around Evans; Narcissa felt heat radiating from her and instantly began to sweat. Narcissa crossed her legs and uncrossed them as she felt something else begin to get wet as well. Narcissa saw Lily's eyes flick down and a smile briefly light up her face.

Narcissa hated the way Lily always seemed so ready to laugh.

Narcissa stared back at her book, trying to read and not being able to as she continued to sneak covert looks at the other girl. Lily caught her and smiled and widely, her eyes tinkling.

Fuck.

Narcissa bit the inside of her cheek as hard as she could and started to read the same line over and over until she was finally so absorbed she almost forgot Lily was there. She liked this book. It was one of her favourites for some inexplicable reason. She had read it over and over again; it was like a comforting friend.

"I've read this one," Narcissa jumped as she felt Lily's hot breath on her ear. She slammed her book shut and walked out of the room, taking the book and forgetting all about signing it out as the librarian called out after her.

"What are you doing here, Evans?" Narcissa asked, annoyed and unwilling to put up with the girl and her theatrics anymore.

"What do you think?" Lily snapped, whipping off her top and reclining onto the sand. Despite her position she looked anything but comfortable. Mostly angry.

"What's your problem?" Narcissa snarled.

Lily shot her a glare. "You are."

Narcissa snorted in response. "I see."

Narcissa almost didn't feel it; she was taken by such unawares. And then her head snapped sideways from the force of Lily's slap. Narcissa held her face, looking at Lily, confused and more than a little pissed off.

"What the fuck was that for?" Narcissa screamed at her.

"That was for being an ass," Lily said, still angry but seemingly in control.

"What the fuck did I do?"

"Exactly," Lily looked near tears. "You're being a total cunt; you know how I feel and yet you're doing nothing about."

Narcissa's mouth fell open in what she thought was a very undignified manner. "What?"

And suddenly Lily's tongue was inside Narcissa's mouth and she supposed that was the reason Lily wasn't answering her.

And then their "tongues duelled", or whatever. To Narcissa it was more like her mouth was just open with shock and Lily just didn't give a fuck that Narcissa was just there being all limp; she kissed her anyways. And then Narcissa tried kissing her back, trying to do something with her mouth but having it not work and Lily still didn't seem to give a fuck, even though Narcissa knew Lily had kissed that Potter boy a million times and probably was an expert at snogging.

And yet, somehow, Lily only seemed interested in her.

Lily's hand came somehow to rest on Narcissa's back, and Narcissa almost pulled away, her face scrunching up and her eyes still wide open even though Lily's were closed. Narcissa felt Lily's hand squeeze the back of her robe desperately, as though she was scared to pull back and see that everything she knew was happening was true.

As if she was scared that if she opened her eyes that she'd see that Narcissa wasn't kissing her back.

Narcissa closer her eyes.

And leaned into the kiss.

And suddenly Lily laughed and it was the tinkling sound that Narcissa always loved and Narcissa was smiling and Narcissa couldn't remember the last time she'd smiled and she smiling, kissing Lily Evans and smiling.

And Lily pushed her into the sand, resting her body on top of Narcissa's and Narcissa felt like breaking right then, in the sand, with Lily Evans lying on top of her.

Breaking.

She bet it wouldn't even be that bad.

Lily kissed a path down Narcissa's neck and pulled her shirt over her head and it only occurred to Narcissa once that they were lying on a beach where everyone could see.

And then she pushed that thought away.

Lily grinned at her, lopsidedly, and Narcissa found she was smiling back, as Lily threw Narcissa's bra away and Narcissa laughed as she saw it land in the ocean and the cold air tickled at her and made her just that much more aware of the nerve endings in her skin.

Lily licked at her nipple and Narcissa arched, because the sensation was so much different and so much warmer than anything and so much so that Narcissa felt all her blood flow follow Lily and her mouth and her tongue as she left hot, open mouthed kisses over her skin and on her stomach. Narcissa was making gasping noises she wasn't even aware of and she felt her mouth slide open slightly as she watched Lily, trying not to bend her head back because it almost hurt to watch. And yet she wanted to watch. Lily was shucking off her clothes, throwing off her skirt and pulling off Narcissa's.

Lily shot a smile up at Narcissa before slowly sliding her panties off and licking at the top of Narcissa's folds.

Narcissa groaned and her brain was too fuzzy to be disappointed and suddenly Lily was kissing her again and her hands were fiddling with something and then…

There it was. Lily had spread Narcissa's legs and had pressed her, all of her against Narcissa and Narcissa wasn't sure if she'd ever known that a body had that much _skin_, and she was sure she was dying in some part of her mind because this was too good.

Too good.

And then Lily started to move and her mind was too far gone again to think. Lily… she was grinding against Narcissa and Narcissa was making those throaty gasps again and pressing back, one hand in Lily's gorgeous hair and the other in the sand, grasping at the sand even as it slipped through her fingers.

Lily pressed her face into Narcissa's neck and Narcissa felt her breath on her skin and for some reason was almost sure that was the best part, even as Lily's body bucked and ground into Narcissa's, for some reason Narcissa almost zeroed in on the sound of that breathing, against her neck, against her skin. And the wetness of her skin, the fact that every part of her was either drenched in sweat or something else only enhanced it and, oh, fuck.

Narcissa was pushing back and back and her legs were bending and unbending and her toes were curling and then suddenly Lily bit her neck, her teeth grinding in so hard it hurt, and Narcissa wanted to scream in pain, but instead something else was overtaking her and suddenly she was screaming in pleasure, and fucking gods it was g_ood. _

And then everything stopped and it was so quiet and the silence was deafening and then, and then the birds and the crickets were deafening as everything seemed suddenly so _loud_.

Narcissa hardly noticed she was panting because all she really focused on was that Lily was panting, right there, into the corner of Narcissa's neck.

Lily raised her head, and she smiled sleepily at Narcissa, her hands just barely keeping her up. She looked at Narcissa for a long time, just looking at her and Narcissa didn't know why; she was a little confused and more than a little scared. Lily placed a kiss on Narcissa's lips and settled down on her chest.

For some reason, Narcissa couldn't do anything but smile.

"I never want anyone but you," Lily whispered, her fingers stroking absently. Narcissa smiled again, her eyes closed.

Lily was staring at Narcissa as she put her clothes on. Narcissa frowned as Lily smiled at her beautifully, all twinkly and such. Trying to ignore her as best she could, though she knew what happened when she did that, Narcissa pulled on her shoes.

"I love you, no matter what, I swear," Lily said, her smile not slipping the slightest bit.

"No you don't," Narcissa said emotionlessly as she tied her shoelaces.

"Shut up!" Lily snapped, and Narcissa's head shot up, frown lines creasing her forehead. "Yes I do and I'm going to love you for the rest of my life. So fuck you, Narcissa." Lily's face was angry and her tone was slightly hysteric and Narcissa almost thought she was going to cry.

Narcissa stared at her and Lily stared at her back before shaking her head and standing up. For the first time since Narcissa had kissed her during class, Lily was walking away from her.

Narcissa watched her go, a hole somewhere inside of her.

"I love you, too," she said. Lily turned slowly and looked at her, a smile on her face as they stared at each other for a long moment.

"You didn't have to say it," Lily said, breaking the silence.

"I know," Narcissa straightened up. "I wanted to."

Lily nodded, her eyes wet and her smile wide and bright and real. "But you don't think we can be together, do you?"

Narcissa shook her head.

Lily laughed, even now and Narcissa loved her even more. "Does it make any difference if I told you I'd give up everything for you?"

"No."

Lily nodded, smiling still as a single tear rained down her cheek. "Okay," she said. "Okay." She turned and walked away, leaving Narcissa on the beach, holding a smile in her heart on her face, because only Lily always looked like she was about to laugh and only Narcissa was going to be loved by her forever.

Narcissa was okay with that.


End file.
